Things I Can’t Really Do While Pregnant

Here are some things I can’t really do right now, so don’t ask. I’m NOT complaining! It’s more like… observing.

  1. Breathe
  2. Sleep
  3. Walk
  4. Sit
  5. Bend
  6. Lie on my back
  7. Lie on my side
  8. Stand in one place for more than 30 seconds
  9. Remember important things (unimportant things, no problem)
  10. Be farther than 3 minutes from a bathroom at any given time
  11. Get in and out of a car with any modicum of grace
  12. Find a single thing to wear, especially to work
  13. Look professional, attractive and/or inoffensive in anything I do find
  14. Believe the amount a stuff a baby apparently needs (COME ON it’s absurd)
  15. Decide what to call the baby (the pressure of assigning a name to a person who will carry it for the rest of his life is UNBELIEVABLE)
  16. Indulge in many of my favourite pastimes: drinking wine, eating oysters, and the aforementioned (breathing, sleeping, walking, sitting, etc.)
  17. Engage in any physical activity without immediately becoming winded (this includes walking from the car to the front door)
  18. Camouflage the fact that I’m being beaten to a pulp FROM WITHIN – particularly in important meetings
  19. Smell orange peel, cooked eggs or cigarette smoke without gagging uncontrollably (this last aversion turns the sidewalks of Montreal into a giant obstacle course)
  20. Dislodge this small human from my rib cage
  21. Be involved in or witness any sort of confrontation without getting emotional about it
  22. See any sort of commercial or public service announcement without getting emotional about it
  23. Remember what it’s like to not be congested
  24. Remember what it’s like to not have all of my organs squished together
  25. Attend to my pedicure
  26. Put on my shoes
  27. Refrain from slugging the next well-intentioned asker of such insightful questions as, “Are you sure you’re just having one baby?” or “When are you due? Next week?” GO. AWAY.
  28. Imagine what it will be like to have a baby around, although there are plenty of folks around who seem gleefully ready to provide ominous warnings
  29. Eat a regular meal like a normal person
  30. Hear the song “I’m Coming Out” without chuckling and imagining the baby singing
  31. Stop craving spice
  32. Wear my wedding ring
  33. Keep a straight face when asked about what I’m doing for exercise (nothing)
  34. Stand talking to other preggos in the doctor’s waiting room – I know we’re both pregnant but I’m not in the market for new friends (ok, just kidding, now I feel bad, might cry)
  35. Use a laptop as God intended it to be used

FOLLOW-UP: A few people have noticed that heartburn is conspicuously absent from this list. By the grace of God, this is one ailment I haven’t suffered much from aside from the occasional fleeting bout. My tolerance and cravings for spice remains at an all-time high.


14 thoughts on “Things I Can’t Really Do While Pregnant

  1. If it’s any consolation, this whole list will be a HUGE motivator during labour. 🙂 I thought I’d be scared. Instead, I was ecstatic as soon as my water broke, because I knew I’d be able to get my lungs back, drink beer and eat blue cheese again.

  2. So amazing! I know exactly how you are feeling, love you’re writing 🙂 Love you and your little bundle! x0x I haven’t hit all of the annoyances yet, but am sure they are to come! Also to add for me, feeling like stay-puft when it`s humid and having the left side of my body swell up=tons of fun!

  3. Come over and I’ll paint your toenails! You can return the favour whenever I’m stuck on bed rest again. You’re hilarious, and still beautiful, despite your claims to look otherwise! 😉

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