Thoughts I’ve Had While Pregnant

This is me, thinking.

Thought I’d jot down a few of these for posterity. I have actually had all of these thoughts at some point in the last few months. Obviously, I also have more serious thoughts from time to time, but those are even LESS interesting.

  1. I have no idea what I’m doing as a parent-to-be. But I kind of like it that way.
  2. I kind of wish I hadn’t gotten that belly button piercing back in 1997. [Teenage girls, take note.]
  3. My  baby has ninja skillz. Handy for later, but slightly nauseating now.
  4. I’d better go to that party/restaurant opening/vernissage/bar mitzvah tonight because WHO KNOWS when I might be able to go anyplace EVER AGAIN?!
  5. If I wear these leggings to work instead of proper pants, does it give off the impression that I’ve just totally given up on life?
  6. If that chick doesn’t hold the elevator door for me, I will find her office, hunt her down and cut her.
  7. Oh, wait, she’s totally holding the door, I take back the murderous rage I felt only moments ago.
  8. I thought becoming a parent would mean I’d be able to muster some interest when someone – for example, a colleague I barely know – shows me a picture of their kid on their phone. So far, nope. Still don’t care.
  9. Sigh. Everyone around me is drunk. They look like they’re having a pretty good time. Jerks. Anyway, they’ll probably feel like a bag of crap tomorrow – headache-y, nauseous, and in no shape to go to work. Oh! Sort of like me, every single damn day!
  10. Am I waddling right now? [Usually, yes – yes I am.]
  11. Why is this random girl talking to me in the waiting room at the doctor’s office? Just because we’re both pregnant? I don’t need new friends, dammit! I will discourage her with one-word answers until she gives up. 
  12. Oh my god – is that my husband’s ex, also waiting in the very same waiting room at the very same doctor’s office? How hilarious and awkward. I will chat with this random girl next to me in order to avoid eye contact with the ex. [THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.]
  13. I refuse to stand next to the skinniest person in this photo. And yet, I am acutely aware that people are silently competing for the spot next to ME.
  14. This strange woman I have only just met is STILL telling me her birthing horror story. Ugh, I think I heard the word ‘episiotomy’. I will simply zone out, nod occasionally, and make some sympathetic comment when it seems like there is a lull.
  15. My hair looks fucking awesome.
  16. When I brag to other women that I have managed to go through this entire pregnancy without once setting foot inside a baby store or reading a baby book, are they impressed? Or is that look they give me actually a combination of pity and scorn?
  17. A sweet, unassuming man has just congratulated me on my obvious pregnancy. Should I fuck with him and pretend I just gained a few pounds, perhaps causing him untold distress and shame but creating a humourous situation for others nearby? [Note: This worked less well starting around Month 7, or in any well-lit area.]
  18. Maybe I should just embrace the waddling.
  19. This guy is taking WAY TOO GODDAMN LONG to parallel park and I am SO GODDAMN IRRITATED. In the name of all that’s good and right, please park your car and move along so I can proceed with my day, and consider moving to the suburbs. GOD!!!! 
  20. Is it time for lunch yet? What, still only 9:30 am? Whatever. Definitely time for lunch.
  21. My poor pants. 😦

So… has anyone else had such ridiculous thoughts while pregnant, or am I just seriously disturbed?


15 thoughts on “Thoughts I’ve Had While Pregnant

  1. I wanted to round up all the people who said “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” or “Are you due next week?” (When I was 6 months pregnant) or “I can tell it’s a girl because your butt is bigger” and send them to an island far, far away where their punishment was to sit in class and learn what a normal pregnant woman really looks like and that it’s not acceptable to ever judge people based on what they look like.

    Currently, I want to send any magazine or celebrity that poses in an “I got my body back after 6 weeks” article or who says a “Oh, I just lost all the weight breast-feeding” quote to that same island.

  2. I have many of the same thoughts, and then some…but mostly I am just short fused with anyone or anything that is clearly stupid. The ability to be zen in the face of stupidity has left the building!

  3. Hilarious!! No, you’re totally normal. I hated everyone that could have a drink. I still hate them. Unfortunately, no night is worth dealing with a hangover PLUS a baby. Also, enjoy that beautiful hair while you can. There’s enough in my drain to make a small hairpiece every day :/

  4. hahaha yes! I love it!
    This is totally normal, I’ve had similar thoughts or even crazier ones I would say. I’m at week 29 with baby 2, and I can tell you these thoughts don’t go away the 2nd time around lol I still get to hear horror birthing stories and unsolicited advice – except now I actually tell people that I don’t care. Because it’s true 🙂
    Who cares if lunch is at 9.30am, and then again at 11, and then maybe again at 1.30pm… anyone who ever says anything to me about eating while I’m pregnant usually gets a look and a “well at least I have an excuse for having a round belly” from me… usually that does the trick too!

  5. You’re a hoot! :p I wanted wine, and undercooked eggs, and tartare and all kinds of things I wasn’t supposed to have. However, I was just jealous of everyone who got to work through the pregnancies or even, God forbid, walk around or take showers standing up for longer than 3 minutes…. And my night-owl self was transformed into a chronically exhausted wanna-be early riser who is still struggling to go to bed at a reasonable hour….

    • Awww I know. Being pregnant – and lucky enough to be able to carry on with somewhat normal life – is a blessing and those are the thoughts I have much more often than these.

      Also, I regularly eat undercooked eggs…

  6. Why yes, I have definitely had some of these thoughts. Especially the thing about feeling sorry for my pants and not really having any feelings towards other people’s kids. Oops.

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